Healing Enmeshment Trauma: Setting Healthy Boundaries

@masterraalkivictorieux Master Ra’al Ki Victorieux

Explore enmeshment trauma and its impact on relationships. Discover healing and the importance of setting healthy boundaries for a fulfilling life. 🧠💚 #RelationalTrauma #Healing #Autonomy https://wp.me/p3JLEZ-4W9

Healing Enmeshment Trauma: Setting Healthy Boundaries. MRKV. AtmaUnum.com

Da click aquí para leer la versión en español: Sana el trauma de amalgamiento en las relaciones

Enmeshment trauma is a type of relational trauma that can significantly affect personal development, identity, self-esteem, and healthy relationship skills with others. This type of trauma occurs when there is a lack of clear boundaries in relationships, which can lead to deep codependency and loss of personal autonomy. Beginning in childhood, the lack of healthy boundaries imposed by parents or guardians can wreak havoc on the formation of an individual’s identity and self-esteem. In this context, it is crucial to understand how the process of individuation and the establishment of personal boundaries contribute to the development of healthy and balanced relationships throughout life. Through the recognition and healing of this type of trauma, it is possible to move towards a fuller life, recognizing the importance of autonomy and the ability to establish healthy boundaries in interpersonal relationships.

Relational trauma

Trauma in interpersonal relationships is caused by abuse, abandonment, lack of autonomous development, or other types of problems. When they happen from childhood, this can cause problems that prevent healthy personality development, whether identity, self-esteem, behavioral, and/or future socialization. In general terms, it is considered that they can be caused by direct violence (physical, sexual, emotional, mental abuse), passive violence (abandonment, rejection), and/or enmeshment, (lack of limits, which harms the identity, violates personal power, independence). Relational traumas in general cause post-traumatic stress. Some of the symptoms may be: Lack of emotional regulation, absence of limits, and “mechanisms of adaptation to violence” (resources that have helped the victim to live with the aggressor, who are usually the parents, close relatives, or partner), such as: Severe self-criticism (the architect of the violence has been internalized), evasive techniques, social dissociation or reality. Such symptoms cause repeated problems in relationships because patterns of codependency, neediness, or manipulation repeat themselves over time, and when the victim tries to get out of the vicious circle, they could end up causing social anxiety and isolation.

However, the cure for a relational conflict is not with isolation, but through learning to recognize and heal the trauma, as well as going through the stages that were probably not met in development: construction of a healthy individuation: self-identity, confidence in one’s own power, self-esteem.

Enmeshment trauma

When you are a baby, you feel at one with others, with your environment, you are very sensitive to what happens around you, and you identify with it, your life depends on this. Now, as we grow older, parents or guardians could help us develop healthy boundaries, so we learn to differentiate what we are and like, from what others are, in a healthy coexistence. But what happens if your parents, instead of helping you develop an independent identity, with healthy boundaries, want you to please them, mirror them, meet their needs, or be a “mini-me”? Then, you will experience what is called “emmeshment trauma” .

When the person is a boy or girl, he or she is more vulnerable to violence, even more so if it comes from parents, guardians or relatives (we will call them “the authority”), because the infant depends on the care and protection of these people. In some families violence is normalized. Enmeshment violence occurs when authority “invades” the space, the authority, of the infant. For example:

Parents decide what their children want or should want: Instead of asking the child if he is hungry or not, and if he wants to eat a vanilla or chocolate lollipop, they teach him to eat every time he is given food, and eat what the authority decide. I will give an example of a situation in which one can recognize this enmeshment: I was at a family event, and I talked with a pair of twin girls who were around 11 years old. I asked them if they liked vanilla or coconut ice cream better, since I had the mission of distributing popsicles to those present. Their response was: -I don’t know, ask my mom.

Parents decide the vocation, life mission, and career of their children : Contrary to being interested in helping the child find and follow his or her innate vocation, authority makes him or her follow the career prevailing in the family, or tending to the business or company founded by the ancestors. There would be no problem if the boy or girl’s vocation honestly coincides with the family’s professional tradition. The conflict comes when an infant artist in a clan of businessmen, or a small entrepreneur in a family of intellectuals, is criticized or shamed. The problem worsens when the authority not only leads the subject to follow a given career without first asking about the child or young person’s vocation. This example is closer to home, that is, although I have had a career in the arts for 30 years, my family is made up of entrepreneurs and businessmen. Due to the professional difference, on many occasions I have felt that they see me as below their shoulder. This permeates the interactions in moments like when I tell about an artistic project that excites me, but their immediate response is -And how much are they going to pay you? As if to disqualify my effort or artistic value if it does not have an equivalent in money. Sometimes I have the fantasy of reversing roles: I imagine that every time they cashed a check there was an inner voice that told them “and what artistic, historical or social significance will that have?” Just imagining it makes me feel better, I think it’s innocent revenge. Hahaha. I tell these examples to illustrate the divergence between a family… say of blacksmiths, and a descendant interested in space travel, or as happened to Billy Elliot, who had to show again and again his passion for dance, to overcome family and gender resistance and become a professional dancer. If you don’t know the story, I invite you to watch the movie or the play.

Parents want fame, recognition or money from their children : Another occasion of enmeshment is when the authority pressures the young person to achieve fame and recognition or money, to achieve the benefits of closeness. Some examples are mothers who take their daughters to a multitude of princess contests, sports competitions, or professional careers that will provide social relevance, although these activities do not really motivate their children. Let’s take a father who was never brilliant in tennis or social circles, but wants that recognition or relevance. He will surely be interested in the sporting development of his daughter or son, and will brag when he wins tournaments, as if he himself had won the trophies.

Parents make their children surrogate fathers or husbands: Parentification is another occasion for enmeshment. It refers to when a child is forced to assume the role of an adult. When a mother or father separates from their partners, they sometimes “relegate” to the eldest son or daughter, or the one who is the sex of the missing father, or who is closer or more sensitive, the role that the absent father should fulfill. Parentification occurs in two types: Instrumental and emotional. 1. Instrumental involves when the boy or girl has to perform physical work or domestic care tasks for the family, such as taking care of a sick relative, or assisting siblings. As “father, mother or caregiver,” the father leans on the child as if the roles were reversed, making his child a protector. This usually happens when the parents are addicted, sick, or have other reasons that make them unable to care for themselves. In this case, if there are more siblings, the chosen child ends up being the caregiver or responsible for her little siblings as well. 2. The emotional occurs when an infant or young person is placed in the role of confidant of a parent, or mediator between them, or other older relatives. Parents violate the personal limits of the child, who becomes a “spouse”, an emotional partner. Emotional incest, in the worst cases, is even sexual, covert or explicit. This “breaks” the psychological order of a family, in which adults are the givers, and children receive, without guilt or obligation to reciprocate immediately or in the same way.

These children who play the role of parents are very common. An example: My mother was born in 1942, so when she found that she had to earn enough money to support her family, the term parentification was not known. Her father (my grandfather) had lost his hearing, and her mother (my grandmother) had to stay at home to take care of her 5 siblings. In such a way that my mom, Martha, grew up being responsible for the financial support of her parents and her siblings, so she started working when she was 15 years old. During her first marriage, her husband preserved the tradition of sending an allowance to support my grandparents and uncles. After the divorce, my mother continued to be responsible for financing the careers of her male brothers, Guido and Robert. She retained this responsibility through her second marriage, with whom she was my father, and even after her second divorce. This parentification stole part of her dreams and resources during her childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. She did not have the support to be able to study and achieve further professional development. I don’t find that she holds a grudge against her parents or siblings for the role she had to play in the family history: The young woman that she was, took on the responsibility of supporting a family of 8, from the time she was a fifteen-year-old until her brothers They got married or became independent. I feel that my uncles are more like distant brothers to me, since they have been “raised” in part by my mother: they have rarely been there to take care of me as uncles, authorities, second parents or older people. I tell this experience to explain how the “orders of authority” are disrupted when parentification exists in a domestic circle.
In any form of parentification, the boy or girl strives to fulfill adult roles and responsibilities, without recognition or support from others, which causes a part of them to remain hungry for affection, protection, and the unconditional love that he should provide a family, which now demands him to be the source of those resources. It is a betrayal of normal expectations of love and care for the child. Parents who suffered the same thing, and have not yet resolved their physical or emotional deprivation, often inflict this damage on their children. Also, parentified children have a higher risk of depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Some professionals argue that not all parentifications are negative, and that in some cases, the child benefits from being treated as an individual capable of taking on the role of protecting the family. However, when a child is treated as a “surrogate spouse”, although it may be a recognition of their abilities, and how special they are, it is still a threatening role for their age and healthy development, in which they also find themselves trapped by being dependent on the father or mother. And of course, we return to the problem of limits. In this context, there is no recognition of the autonomy or true being of the child.

Parents erase the healthy boundaries, the identity, of their children: In short, in an amalgamation relationship, personal boundaries are permeable, unclear… Where do the desires of the parent end, who in a covert and manipulative way has had the son or daughter lived to please him or her? Can the parent recognize what has done, or does you not even realize the enmeshment that has generated? Has a child in a family like this had space and opportunity to be and express something different from what has been indicated to him “for his own good”?

Dysfunctional families cause bonding trauma. Many parents view their children as something that “belongs to them,” and therefore justify the actions they take to direct this person toward what they consider appropriate or right. This is not a particular attack on parents or families, it is just a description of a common reality: Many parents try to mold their children in relation to what they consider most convenient, according to their wishes. But they have not paid attention to the wishes and needs of the children. This process occurs by habit, by learning, this is how their own parents raised them, this is the dominant culture… Just remember the drama of Romeo and Juliet, in which the parents of lovers preferred to maintain family disputes than to know, respect and support the wants and needs, the lives of their children. In general, parents who cause enmeshment trauma may do so unconsciously, while assuming that they are acting for the good of their children, those children whom they have not had time to get to know… This creates gaslighting for the child. or girl, since while she is hurt – her wishes are ignored and she is conditioned to do what her parents want – she is told that it is for her good. That doesn’t feel good…yet, in order to survive in that dynamic, the child learns something terrible: that loving relationships involve pain and self-denial: sacrificing your needs, desires, and truth for someone else’s. The dramatic and sometimes tragic thing is that the adult will put this “sacrificed idea of love” on stage in their relationships.

It would be desirable for parents to know how to honor the opportunity to receive an individual, a unique soul, with their own destiny, and with unconditional love, help them develop in the most convenient way, in respect for their wishes and truth. How many conversations do you remember between parents and children where instead of indoctrinating, directing, scolding, blaming, complaining, they choose to ask, encourage curiosity, discovery, decision making, facilitate the cultivation of healthy boundaries, and ways of relating and serve in society?

You may wonder why someone would give up their identity regardless of their relatives’ wishes? In enmesh families, resistance – maintaining a sense of self – brings negative consequences: abandonment, the silent treatment, punishments, stopping receiving financial and emotional support, being the center of criticism and ridicule, etc. In this context, the person has two options:
1. Consciously or unconsciously, with or without resentment, you accept the “punishments” -the “bad”, “useless”, or “crazy” “t-shirt”, the mockery, being the scapegoat (Scapegoat: Your family doesn’t like you), the black sheep, that they stop talking to you, inviting you, supporting you, including you- in an attempt to resist control. Unfortunately, this does not usually free the person, who usually, through the fault or result of indoctrination, ends up internalizing the “bad father or mother” and having a severe inner critic that paralyzes them and prevents them from being who they really want to be.
2. Consciously or unconsciously, with or without resentment, you renounce your own identity, in order to belong harmoniously and closely to the family group. You mirror them: You belong to the same social circle, you work in the same thing, you dress like them, you act like them, you talk like them, you feel like them, you think like them, you want what they do, etc. You are a carbon copy of who they are or what they want to be. The benefits are a high feeling of belonging. The problem is that all people are born with a sense of truth, of who we are, what we think, what we desire, what we dream of achieving and representing… Hence the dissatisfaction despite belonging.

If the person does not heal the enmeshment in their adult life, they will repeat the patterns of 1. resistance or 2. codependency in their relationships, because that is the way they learned to relate in their childhood. For the adult who once was this child, it will take years of therapy to change this codependent practice and conception of love… in order to find a way of loving that allows him to be himself, have a healthy sense of self, and live together. in trust with others, have a healthy relationship with others.

Autonomy vs. codependency or narcissism

Autonomy is having a sense of self, recognizing oneself as different from others. It is being able to choose freely, without guilt, and express oneself, act, based on one’s own desires and needs. The person can relate and live with others, while being true to themselves. In childhood, there is a time when children learn the meaning of “no.” They begin to understand and defend their personal limits. They ask themselves: -How do I feel? Do I like this, or do I not like it? And they learn to express it. This process is very important in personal development.

When a child encounters resistance from authority (mom or dad) when saying “no,” instead of learning what his or her wants and needs are, he or she focuses on detecting what the authority’s wants and needs are in order to please it and avoid problems or negative consequences. Children know that their survival depends on their relationship with parents and family, so to maintain closeness, they give up themselves. As in the example of the twins who, when asked if they liked vanilla or coconut ice cream, answered that they should consult their mother, not them. When the development of autonomy is violated, the person represses himself, is disconnected from his impulses and dreams, and acts in order to be a mirror, serve or please his parents, partner, or close people.

People without autonomy are codependent, as in the case of Women Who Love Too Much, they lack healthy personal boundaries. It has been considered that those who manifest enmeshment trauma present symptoms similar to those of the victims of Stockholm Syndrome, that is, they present feelings of affection and complicity with their aggressors. In order to belong in a relationship, they lose themselves. Codependent adults have relationships in which they abandon their sense of self, they experience a great need for the other, which leads them to feel “consumed” in the other”, in a claustrophobic experience, so they sometimes end up rejecting the relationship. Not having a great sense of self, they look for people who have a strong personality. Whether these people are positive or negative (narcissists), whether or not they are asked to submit to their partner’s desires and needs, the codependent still gives up on themselves, and then resents it. The unsolved problem is that by not having developed autonomy, a healthy sense of self, the person longs to be one with the other (infantile conditioning due to enmeshment trauma), at the same time that he seeks his independence (innate need of human beings). ), and these forces are in constant conflict. Intimacy is seen as both a need and a threat, which is why relationships are like a seesaw, or a constant push and pull.

When we talk about enmeshment trauma, we talk about a developmental trauma: with explicit and covert maneuvers, the person’s autonomy was censored, prevented, punished. Some people recognize that they are a person “separated” from their parents and/or their family until they begin a process of emotional, mental healing… To heal the enmeshment trauma, the person must develop and practice a sense of self, have the value of making the necessary changes, learning to relate without codependent or narcissistic strategies, practicing the recognition and expression of personal limits. Achieving a life that satisfies you will only be the result of living an authentic life: discovering and cultivating your needs, emotions, thoughts, preferences, your truth.

Our energy bodies

Each human being is a higher soul, connected to the incarnated soul, and this atmic energy surrounds the mental, emotional, and physical bodies. In ordinary people, without spiritual discipline, the consciousness is distracted by human discord, and in their confusion they believe that the physical body is the only or the most important one, and that “within” this physical body are contained the emotions, the mind and the soul or spirit, when in reality it is the other way around: The physical body is the smallest of the bodies, and is contained in others that are more intangible, free, and that are part of its integrity as a being.

In the process of growth from childhood to adulthood, the person asks him self: who am I, what do I desire, what are my values, talents, or vices and shadows? Sometimes, the person tries to be more and more aware in order to become the best version of himself in his time and society. In these cases, due to positive intention and will and persistence, it is possible to cultivate not only a state of physical health, but also emotional, mental and spiritual health. Bodies are differentiated from their environment with healthy boundaries, and manifest with brilliant light through the person’s aura, chakras, and energetic connections with the planet, with positive people, and with their higher soul and spiritual teachers. Spiritual practice, through meditation, and service, allow the development of Antahkarana and Alignment to be achieved .

Other times, the individual surrenders to external, negative forces, either due to weakness in the face of temptations, and/or due to coercion or violence from others. The chakras and aura are contaminated, the boundaries are porous, they present damage: wear, ruptures, plagues, parasites, etc.) In these cases the person has little or no connection with their higher soul, and their mental, emotional and physical bodies. they experience chaos, confusion, and/or illness.

On the energetic level we are aware that through relationships we create bonds or energy bonds. When our relationships are harmonious and loving, these bonds are bright, light (pale pink is a color of love and friendship), and nourishing. However, when relationships are dramatic, violent, the ties are dark, and they steal energy from us. Certain conflictive relationships can perhaps be transmuted through dialogue, gratitude and forgiveness. Other relationships are exhausting, negative, and useless, in these cases it is good to learn to let go and heal. Bless the relationship, what you have learned from the experience, even if it was negative, and let go. I share these meditations that could be useful: Meditation to heal betrayal, Meditation on the Virtues, Meditation on the names of God, Meditation to Release Clones or Slaved Soul Fragments, Meditation to Release the Warrior Lineage, Uterus Healing Meditation, Twin Hearts Meditation.

Boundaries and relationships

A limit is awareness, clarity, in who you are, what makes you happy, what you are willing to do based on your values, integrity, desires, responsibility: your truth. Managing to establish clear limits means differentiating the truth, thoughts, feelings, desires of oneself and others and acting accordingly: With respect for personal identity, and in dialogue and search for explicit consensus with others.

Physical boundaries include both physical contact and respect for the space around you. Only you can define who can touch your body, show you affection (kisses, hugs), enter your house, or take your things. It is important to teach children to express their physical limits, verbalize them, be explicit about whether they want a hug, or prefer not to be greeted with a kiss. It is also positive to educate about sexual limits and the need for verbal consent. Likewise, do not hesitate to report inappropriate behavior, insults, discrimination, inappropriate physical contact, violence, etc.

Some symptoms that you have problems with establishing healthy boundaries are the inability to express your anger or preferences, the tendency to avoid conflict (sometimes addictions are a form of avoidance), a depressed or anxious state:

A friend tells you that you will like a movie, and you don’t dare contradict him even if this is not of interest to you.
They ask you to stay at work overtime, without pay, and although you suffer from overwork and professional burnout, you do not dare to make a better arrangement.
You want to develop better habits, but you lack the willpower to act on them, you lose motivation, you don’t feel like it’s worth continuing to move forward, you constantly abandon yourself.
No matter how much you get angry with someone, you avoid expressing your problem, even if you continue to greet them later but are resentful.
You spend your time very busy, worried or depressed and anxious, or you manifest an addiction to work, sex, or some substance, in order to avoid addressing your true emotions and needs.

To better understand the limits, we can divide them into:

Healthy: The person can tell us, calmly, without attacking, blaming, and without apologizing, their needs, preferences, or when a situation bothers them: -«For me it is important that you…» -«I would like you to…» « -I do not like that.” «-I feel uncomfortable when…., I would prefer that you…» he can also accept and understand that other people sometimes tell him no. He sets limits on others, or on himself, and has the willpower to respect them and act accordingly.
Porous: Symptom of codependency, excessive sharing. The person loses a sense of self, accepts explicit or passive violence. It can manifest as learned helplessness.
Rigid: The person isolates himself, and erects walls, in a defensive attitude. It occurs in cases such as that of Hikikomoris, phobia, and social isolation.

Boundaries are practiced in relationships, you have the answer to who and how to relate to them. Let’s say you invite two acquaintances to your house. One is respectful of your personal space, and before invading it, he asks for your permission. For example – «I see that you have many copies of this or that, I like them too, can you let me see one?» The other “settles” in your office and without asking your permission, he takes a copy of – whatever it is, a video, book or decorative object – and with the object in his hand he continues talking to you as if nothing had happened. It is logical to assume that if this pattern is repeated, in relation to limits, that the first has healthy limits, expects you to authorize or refuse to lend this object, while the second probably comes from enmeshment relationships, where no They recognize limits, and therefore do not have healthy protocols to respect your space and belongings. If you have doubts, you can ask them a little more about their family or couple relationships, listen and pay attention so that you can differentiate between a person who can relate healthily -regardless of their past-, or who still has relational trauma. Will you feel comfortable with someone who cannot honor your personal space – communicate her needs and wait for your response – but simply takes what she wants at that moment? Which of the two would you invite again, who would you like to cultivate a friendship with?

I am not suggesting that you avoid all people who have relational trauma, but I do invite you to be more observant and consciously make the decision about what type of people you want to live closely with. Remember that there are toxic people and relationships, and if some only bring trauma or drama to your life, and zero contributions, it would be better for you to stay away from them. Just as everything you do impacts your relationships, what your friends do will impact your well-being.

Some people find it easier to set boundaries with friends, but have a hard time setting boundaries with a partner or family. What are your limits like? With whom you can be yourself and with whom it is difficult for you to remain faithful to yourself? Remember, your needs are important, learn to recognize and communicate them. In general terms, I suggest that you spend time learning about the following topics:

Emotional literacy: Recognize and honor your emotions and needs.
Reflection on values and virtues. Maybe it will help you to read: Meditation on the Virtues.
Self-care, self-esteem. Take care of your mind, your emotions, your body. I suggest you invest a few minutes in pampering yourself. Here you will find some help: The Story of The Four Candles, For your physical life Affirmations for Prosperity and Abundance For your emotional body Affirmations for Self-Affirmation, Affirmations for Transmuting Anger, Affirmations of Hope, Affirmations of Light and Love, For the mind Affirmations for Self-approval of Perfectionism and Insecurity, Begin your Transmutation Adventure, Meditation: I end what I start.
Tools for emotional containment and spiritual development: Stress management, meditation, exercise, breathing, etc. You might be interested in these contents: Pranic Healing is spiritual and health knowledge, Guided Meditation by Thich Nhat Hanh, 8 Japanese techniques to stop overthinking, Meditations for Healing Trauma by Wolfgang Arndt, Psychic Self-Defense; Self-Healing.
Cultivate autonomy and self-affirmation. Affirmations for Self-Affirmation, Book Review: Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, Yes, You Can.
Dialogue, communication skills: Find a way to converse and express your goals clearly and peacefully.

Do you want relationships in which your desires, your way of being, and thinking are recognized? I suggest that you first lean towards having clarity in your identity, and expressing respect for others, as well as choosing people who do the same job: know how to defend their values and limits, as well as recognize and honor yours.

Medical Disclaimer: This content presents general information on health and wellness, with the goal of promoting knowledge. However; It is not a substitute for specialized medical diagnosis or treatment. If you have specific medical needs, consult a healthcare professional. 

The author and editors are not responsible for the use of information in this material, including references to services, authors, or institutions that may be mentioned.

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