Ra’al Ki Victorieux
This is an article of ugly but useful trues, to save you from beautiful lies. If you are scapegoated by your family, it is important to understand that you have grown up in a love-hate relationship. You have been suffering manipulation, put-downs, and unequal treatment. Then, you may wonder, «-how is it that those who are supposed to love me, and support me, act in a negative, critical, judgemental, indifferent, neglectful, or hateful way toward me?» Well, they don’t want what is best for you, maybe they even don’t give a damn about trying to know you, or listening to your dreams, aspirations, and projects, all they do is what is best for them. No matter what you do, your family will make you wrong, and that can hurt your heart and your mind, your self-esteem, confidence, and even your mojo (will to go forward in life). You might have been deprived of the experience of growing up in a safe, stable home where the unconditional love of parents and caregivers abounds. Maybe you don’t feel any celebration spirit on father’s day, mother’s day, or new year holidays, because these dates only remind you of suffering.
What is scapegoating in families?
In a sick, toxic family unit, when the «weakest link», the black sheep, -usually the more artistic, creative, intuitive, phycology tunned in, and sensitive one- is abused by others. He or she receives the family guilt, and blame, and undergoes negative experiences.
One or several of the caregivers will be on the spectrum of narcissism, histrionic or borderline personality disorder, and with that he or she will display: manipulation, projection, triangulation, displacing the blame instead of being accountable for their actions, and indifference to the negative impact of their actions in the scapegoat child.
They judge you by different standards than what they use in other people or even themselves, so nothing you do is right, and usually, you are wrong.
Some examples of this situation:
-The mother is unhappy, and she abandons and neglects her daughter. Then, she blames the scapegoat for not paying enough attention to her. This is scapegoating by projection.
-One or more of the family members, or dominant caregivers, is allowed to show his or her anger, but the scapegoat must suppress it, to avoid making a bigger problem. No matter how much effort you put in trying to pacify them, you feel like the family punching bag, «the problem child». That’s what they repeatedly say. They manipulate you to believe that, projecting their anger onto you. So, you learn to distrust your close ones, and to walk on eggshells.
-If you ever ask for help, your caregivers can make fun of you, blame you for being needy, or deny the help you request. But if they talk about you with other people, they will always talk about how much you own them, how many things they have done for you, how you could not live without their help and support, and how ungrateful you are.
They want what is best for them, not what is best for you
This is known as the double bind theory for schizophrenia. For example, in a hospital, the nurses prefer to sedate patients (what is best for them, because then their job is easier), than to deal with unrested and noisy patients (what would be better for them).
Your family does not want what is best for you (to respect your light, dreams, needs, and unique voice), which could make them feel depressed or inadequate, insecure, jealous, or resentful about your talents. They want what is best or most comfortable for them, that is to keep on using you as a garbage can, because they are used to it, and so they can avoid dealing with their issues. Also, this is known to them, so they feel safer.
Also, take into consideration the laws of tribalism. This is the state of being organized by, or advocating for, tribes or tribal lifestyles. If you are a dissident, slightly or radically different from your family tribe, or even more popular, beautiful, or famous than most of them… that is a reason for big trouble. They will heat you for making them feel -even unconsciously- less than you. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean to make them feel less than you, you were only following your light. But every success or grade of celebrity you reach is a reason for their anger, resentment, and jealousy. And, they think it is your fault, for your «foolish drive of running after the spotlight.» If you try to share your news on social media, they could denounce you as spam, or criticize you online, as an outraged troll.
Can you stop it?
No, because they like it.
You need greater understanding. Your family says that they want was is best for you, but they act as if they don’t care. This creates a conflict inside you because you are given two conflicting discourses. As much as you would like to believe that they love you, you must accept the reality of the negative actions and escape the illusion and kind lies they are trying to sell you.
Learn about mobbing: as a sociological term, mobbing means bullying of an individual by a group, in any context, such as a family, peer group, school, workplace, neighborhood, community, or online. When it occurs as physical and emotional abuse in the workplace, such as «ganging up» by co-workers, subordinates, or superiors, to force someone out of the workplace through rumor, innuendo, intimidation, humiliation, discrediting, and isolation, it is also referred to as malicious, nonsexual, non-racial/racial, general harassment.
When a group mob an individual, they feel «more than», they feel a kind of sick power over the weak link. They enjoy it, they feel good, and it is an enjoyable experience for them. They don’t want to start liking you, if they do, they would have to recognize they have been acting like a dick for years.
Don’t look for consciousness where there’s not, there’s only darkness. It is not you. It is not your fault. It is something about that family tribe, like a software fault in human psychology. The answer is not to hate them back or to try to change them.
Is there a solution?
You can look for professional help, and support groups, and regain a feeling of yourself, free from their abuse and gaslighting. You are worth it. Forgive so you can be free. Work on healing yourself from negative experiences and learn to set boundaries, and many times, also a healthy distance. Learn to live independently of the good or bad opinions of others.
*Au revoir dragons! I hope you enjoyed the lecture, please comment or share. I also invite you to support Atma Unum‘ work by purchasing our books at this link: https://www.amazon.com/Raal-Ki-Victorieux/e/B0827RP88K Thank you, blessings.