Misfits; self-awareness and social dynamics

@raalkivictorieux, Master Ra’al Ki Victorieux

Belonging & not belonging, misfit empowerment, & the hidden curriculum’s impact on social dynamics explored. Metacognition & communication skills are essential. Ra’al Ki invites reflection & engagement.

Today’s article delves into the intricate world of belonging, the empowerment of misfits, the pervasive impact of hidden curriculum, and the pivotal role of communication tools and metacognition in our personal development. Join us as we navigate through the nuances of social dynamics, self-awareness, and emotional literacy. Whether you resonate with the identity of a misfit or seek a deeper understanding of the hidden forces shaping our interactions, we invite you to explore the thought-provoking insights that await you. Your engagement with our content is sincerely valued, so feel free to immerse yourself in the discourse and share your thoughts with us.

Adjective: Misfit

A misfit is a person whose behavior or attitude sets them apart from others in an uncomfortably conspicuous way, it is when someone is not suited to a social situation because other personas find their behavior strange or unusual. The Oxford Dictionary even defines it as something that does not fit or that fits badly. The word is most commonly used in a negative way. But some take the word as an adjective they are proud of it because they find advantages in not belonging.

Maybe, if you consider yourself a misfit, you may not have belonged to the popular groups at school or any religious community, maybe you are the town’s fool, or your family doesn’t want to see you anymore. Yes, it can be painful, and lonely, you may experience feelings of disconnect, and it may be a lot harder to get things done all by yourself… alone. Perhaps you experience social isolation and social phobia, or you have been called a freak, outcast, excentric, black sheep, or Scapegoat.

Belonging or not belonging

Belonging Opportunities

A sense of belonging has been linked to:

• Increased student motivation
• Reduction in absenteeism
• Increased well-being, motivation, and retention.
• Positive social outcomes for students as good emotional and physical health
• Improved academic achievement
• A growing sense of agency: a belief that you can make a difference.

Belonging Challenges

Some children are enculturated to be kind, even when they lose their identity. Through social conditioning they are told to “be a good kid, so Santa Claus will bring you gifts”. They learn good manners, but if this is not balanced with self-affirmation, the kid could become a people pleaser, and that has some disadvantages:

• They learn to shut down their feelings to avoid making waves, and in order to please others.
• They fear to express their own opinion, what they want or need.
• They pretend to be someone they are not.
• They fear rejection and live in constant need of approval.
• They don’t know how to say no.
• When someone loves them, they feel they love their mask and not their true self.

Not Belonging Challenges

If you found it difficult to belong to the school community in childhood, and you don’t find ways to accept this situation or to find your tribe, there could be some hard experiences:

• One in four young people, (25%) feel they don’t belong in school.
• Children from disadvantaged communities are twice as likely as their more advantaged peers to feel they don’t belong and four times more likely to be excluded.
• Black Caribbean and children with Special educational needs and disabilities (SEND), are more likely to be excluded.
• Young people who experience a sense of exclusion from school or society seek “belongingness” elsewhere. This could potentially lead them to engage with negative tribes associated with drugs or alcohol consumption, or criminality.

Helping children to find a sense of belonging

When you are a child, perhaps you don’t know how to behave in order to belong, so you need assistance to figure out the hidden curriculum (a set of unspoken rules that exist in society) and be able to socialize effectively. For example, parents and teachers could show the children how to establish inclusive conduct:

• Do not assume you know other children’s stories (it is better to ask than to assume a single story).
• Do not ignore and devalue student’s backgrounds and experiences.
• Do not be a language oppressor.
• Do not let them “sink or swim” on their own; be there for them.
• Do not pretend to be someone you are not, just in order to fit in.

And, teachers and parents should encourage children to try to:

• Ask, and learn, students’ stories and journeys.
• Validate and affirm cultural background and experiences.
• Understand the process of second language acquisition (SLA).
• Allow the use of students’ home language.
• Keep the bar, and expectation high, and provide scaffolding and support.
• Be in touch with your feelings, opinions, and needs.
• Learn to say no, without feeling overwhelmed.
• Learn to express your opinion in a kind way, and be assertive, yet compassionate.

My childhool story

When I was a child in primary school, I had an independent learning style, I was a solitary learner, I preferred to study alone, without having to interact with other learners. I found it easy to have high grades -even at the state level-. I could see that people used to divide themselves into small groups: the intelligent ones, the beautiful ones, the not-so-popular ones, etc. I was more inclined to persons than to groups, that is to say, I had some friends, but I did not belong to a particular group. There was a group of intelligent girls -Griselda, Gaby, Jeanette-, and I thought I was friends with Jeanette. There was another group of beautiful and rich girls -Palmira, Sonia, Alejandra-, and I liked to spend time with Alejandra, but I never felt that we were really friends. There were some tall girls -Marcela, and Fabiola-, I was also tall, so we used to be in the back of the lines, and classrooms, so I also had some opportunity to talk with them. Anyway, even when I talked also with other girls from other groups, like Itzy, Silvia, or Guillermina, I was very self-conscious… I could feel that most of the children (boys and girls) made fun of me because they called me names, such as “oracle”, and “whistle voice”, or wrote mean things about me in their gossip notebooks. At playtime, I used to eat my lunch alone and spend all the playtime alone… I used to walk around the school or sit on some bench for a while, maybe watch some kids playing volleyball or football, but it was boring just to be watching how the others played. I used to feel anxious because I didn’t want to be alone, but I had to resign myself to it. I also was kind of embarrassed because I imagined that my classmates could be making fun of me or criticizing me behind my back. So, I preferred to spend recess time in the bibliotheque, where I could read, my attention was on one book and not anymore on my inadequacy. That was better. One day, Cecilia called me and said to me:
-Hey, I see that you do not belong to any group. Would you like it if I help you to be in mine? I could borrow you some of my dresses, so you can look more normal and be with us.
-I don’t know. -I replied. In fact, I didn’t know that they thought I was badly dressed. Cecilia’s invitation made me feel embarrassed, and her offer sounded like charity. I was too proud to accept it, so I declined it. I also felt a little insulted, but I could not really understand if this was a joke, or what was going on.

I don’t remember either that at home or school, some adult talked with me to help me with this belonging issue. I was in a nun’s private school, and I think that the nuns even worked against me. One day, Gloria, who I thought was a friend of mine, called me and said:
-The mother director said that I should not be around you. You come late to school, sometimes you act weird, and so on, then it is not good for my reputation to be close to you. Then, please, let’s not talk at school, but if you want, we could be friends outside school.
-No, thank you. I don’t think I would like to have a friend who is embarrassed of being my friend. -That was it, I was too proud to accept friendship crumbs.

However, I was in that school from the last year of kindergarten to high school. I have bad memories of those thirteen years of school. I didn’t even want to show up on graduation day. I was happy to get out of there.

Although I had graduated with a bachelor’s degree in mathematical physics, I decided to turn my life around and enter an arts university. I also tried to be a little more social. Then I discovered that those I chose as friends were those that society called misfits.

The Advantages of Not Belonging

Getting into a clique can feel comparable to getting into college; it comes with stress and staying in them comes at a price. To belong, some people conform to each other based on certain characteristics, they enmesh, make concessions, or even surrender to the majority opinion or to the leader’s preferences. Usually, the members deeply love the persons in the group, while being hostile to those that are different. They are used to conformity and conditional love.

Society is built upon consensus.
But society thrives upon dissenters.

Fortunately, when you are an adult, you have the option to choose not belonging, that doesn’t mean you have to shut down socially, it just means that you’re a free agent. You know, it is different to be excluded without understanding why, as it usually happens in childhood, that to consciously choose not to belong, not to be part of the herd. The key is the election you make. Some of the benefits are:

Every ideology is contrary to human psychology.

Albert Camus

• ULTIMATE FREEDOM: You can wear whatever you want, and do your hair however you like it. You can go to any place, without worrying about disappointing the group norms or expectations. You can eat whatever you like. You don’t have to limit your diet to a group ideology. You can follow your own spiritual path, and have your own mind. You don’t have to sell yourself short by engaging in ideological obedience. You can be genuinely yourself, ideologically independent, and question everything without social bonds, you embrace uncertainty, honesty, and integrity.
• LESS BAGGAGE: It’s easier to stay out of trouble because you avoid the risk of being guilty by association. You are free from feeling like you have to make bad decisions to be a part of some group.
• YOUR PRIORITIES MATTER: You have more energy to focus on your priorities. You avoid social pressures getting in the way of what you’re passionate about. You have fewer banal distractions, so you can focus on climbing ladders that actually matter.
• SELF-ACTUALIZATION: You choose self-development, your work for your own kind of success. You are true to yourself. You do not identify with a specific place in the hierarchy, or with a group, you use the hierarchy to your advantage while maintaining independence and autonomy.
• YOU ENJOY DIVERSITY: It’s easier for you to be friends with a variety of people. You can choose friends from all sorts of social groups. You understand that your friends don’t have to be decided by your place of study or work, don’t have to wear matching outfits, or be cut in the same way: You can feel free to choose those persons who genuinely interest you, and who honestly value you as you are.
• MORE UNIVERSAL LOVE: When you avoid to identify yourself with just a small group ideology, you can be open to Metta, to loving-kindness for all sentient beings. All sentient beings include minerals, plants, animals, and all kinds of human beings. You are free to share your love with whatever, or whomever you want. You can develop compassion for humanity as a whole.

Recognizing non-belonging is a process of personal acceptance

Upon leaving the nuns’ school, where I had studied until high school, I had lost the desire to be the most diligent or to obtain the best grades. Partly due to socialization problems. My social skills had improved a little because I had tried hard to “learn to have fun,” but not much. I realized I was putting myself at risk too often. Upon entering university, I tried several careers without finishing any, and the relational space continued to be a challenge for me. I still didn’t know I had Asperger’s. There was a lot of confusion, emotional drama, crying, and loneliness. I couldn’t understand why…

Now, after some decades and hard work, I have more self-esteem, and I am more aware of my neurodivergence, and of the ideological forces at play. I am proud of being a misfit. I write this article not only because it allows me to connect concepts such as “misfit”, “hidden curriculum”, “belonging”, “self-esteem”, “assertiveness”, and others… but because I suppose it can help young people who go through something similar stuff to recognize themselves and gain clarity.

The Hidden Curriculum

This concept unveils a world of unspoken lessons and societal norms that shape human relations in school, work, and everyday life. It has a profound impact on individuals and communities. In general terms, it has the dominant paradigms of culture, such as heteronormativity, white supremacy, narcissism, aporophobia, neurodivergent discrimination, and so on. The worst manifestation of this ideology is shown in bullying, mobbing, and many forms of violence against the different ones, the misfits, the sensitive and/or vulnerable ones.

Hidden curriculum changes across genders, cultures, environments, etc. Many of the hidden curriculum topics can even be humorous but breaking one of the rules can make a person a social outcast by their peers. The masses use to follow the hidden curriculum rules in order to belong: Uncritical thinking, herd mentality, callousness. They are un-empathic people who reproduce social class inequalities and reinforce outdated social roles into the majority culture. As a means of social control, the hidden curriculum promotes the acceptance of a social destiny without promoting rational and reflective consideration. The hidden curriculum can also be associated with the reinforcement of social inequality, as evidenced by the development of different relationships to capital based on the types of work and work-related activities assigned to students varying by social class.

The functions of the hidden curriculum include the inculcation of values, political socialization, training in obedience and docility, and the perpetuation of traditional class structure-functions that may be characterized generally as social control.

Elizabeth Vallance

I was thinking about this hidden curriculum and then, I found a book called “The Little Red Book.” There you can find subjects such as: how can you complain about a teacher?, sexuality, drugs, relationships, and other situations at school and in society. It was first published in Denmark, and it had success in Europe and America, with some adaptations to the specific problems in each country. It was well received by progressive thinking teachers, but rejected by the very conservative academic authorities or parents. Anyway, besides the kicking and screaming, this book can help students to understand life. It’s a guide to action. Remember: “Every little thing you can change in school it will have repercussions in society, and every little thing to change society can have consequences at school.”

Hidden Curriculum vs. Progressive Forces in Social Psychology

“I don’t give a damn ’bout my bad reputation. You’re living in the past it’s a new generation. A girl can do and that’s what I’m going to do.”

Joan Jett. Bad Reputation

I observe that hidden curriculum acts on social psychology as a conservative force, it tries to keep the things as they are. Meanwhile, misfits act as a progressive force. Because, if you have suffered repeated violence from the status quo, it’s natural that you rebel against it, and perhaps you try to create a proposal for a better, more inclusive world. I don’t affirm that all misfits become activists or artivists for human rights and social justice, but I think that many of the activist and creative minds are found in the misfit tribe. So, progressive social psychology ideas and hidden curriculum ideology are -metaphorically- yin and yang. There is a little bit of yang in yin, as a little bit of yin in yang. As every opposite attracts, these forces are in constant movement. We should find a way to think about this issue, without taking things too personally. Let’s try metacognition, to think about the way we conceptualize the world, about the paradigms that should change, about the evolutionary forces we should embrace in social psychology and everyday life.

Be Anti-Superficial. What an era we inhabit! 10 second videos of people dancing are consumed by millions yet too many of the heroic books remain unread by most. Be a contrarian. Go deep versus really wide. Have rich conversations. Think interesting thoughts. Apply rigor and excellence and carefulness to all that you do. Be a heavyweight in a culture gone ultra-light.

Robin Sharma

When you have been receiving violence for most of your lifetime, it’s normal to try to understand -“why?” To search for ways to overcome the guilt and shame inner trip, and make peace with yourself. I remember that after my first public artivist works, I was called “a contracultural agent who works in the social psychology arena”. A colleague asked me:

-Did you suffer a lot in childhood? What happened to you in order to decide to become an artivist?

I listened, I realized that my motivation was not fear, no desire for revenge. I do not remember what I answered at the time… He well could have said what I would now say to my younger self:

-You know? Being part of the contra-culture gang will make you even more of an outcast, people demonize us, they point us with the finger, and someday, you will see your reputation shattered, “the good families”, probably even yours, will close their doors in your face, they will protect their comfort zones with all they have, you will feel as if you are blamed for all the little infernos of the world, you will be social and psychologically burned, mentally exhausted, you will suffer more… as if you had a scarlet letter tattooed on your forehead, you will be seen with contempt and mockery could destroy you.

Even when that passionate announcement sounds a little scary, it loses power once you understand the paradox of social behavior, and how the hidden curriculum allows many people to talk about human rights while violating them in a strange cognitive dissonance. By understanding this you can feel freer when you work for your integrity and life mission. As the years go by, you will have more clarity and be brave enough to accept your vulnerability.

Yes, you will suffer a lot in the formative years, and even afterward you may continue to struggle with suicidal ideation, self-esteem issues, etc. Is that why it is valuable to have empathy, compassion, and a willingness to act for disadvantaged groups in society with your words, actions, artwork, and life? Perhaps suffering makes you more sensitive to the pain of others, and hopefully, more resilient, but even if your life had been easier, I know that the values and hopes that guide your soul will make you decide to be a misfit artivist.

It is my firm conviction that art should be a guide, a lighthouse, that combines social criticism and idealistic proposals, that provides tools to avoid dystopian futures and save our hearts and souls.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This film stages the advantages of being invisible, of not belonging. The protagonist, Charlie, is a very self-conscious young man, who has been through childhood trauma and finds it difficult to fit in at school. Then, he joins a tribe of misfits, with whom he starts to feel as if he belongs, and those relationships not only help him to thrive and survive, but he also can help his friends.

He usually sits alone at lunchtime at school, and at home, he writes letters to his ex-best friend, who committed suicide by shooting himself… At home, even when his family is there, we don’t see great communication between fathers and sons. In fact, he is not the only one with problems, his sister dates a man who has slapped her, and she thinks “she can handle it”.

At school, he tries to be invisible, because the less attention he receives, the less violence or mockery he will have to endure. The first friend he makes is his English teacher, a man who recognizes the love Charlie has for literature and tutors him to read good authors and write often. His mentor says him: -“I have no doubt that you will write some book.”

Then, he meets Patrick, a queer young man, and his step-sister Sam. They welcome him to the “island of misfit toys”, and acknowledge him as the flower wall who observes everything. He replies “-I thought nobody had noticed me.” He goes to parties, experiments with a marijuana brownie, and gets baked as a cake. Then he realizes that he likes Sam. But she is dating someone else, who may not be the best choice. So he has a conversation with his mentor:

-Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?
-We accept the love we think we deserve.
-Can we make them know they deserve more?
-We can try.

Charlie also gets a girlfriend, experiments with love break up, being separated from his friends, and the reconciliation after stepping up for Patrick when he is called faggot and beaten. They love to drive at night listening to music. One day, Charlie calls her sister, she thinks he is gonna commit suicide, so she calls the caps. He had a meltdown and wakes up in a hospital. The therapist helps him to face and understand that he had suppressed the memories of being sexually assaulted by an aunt because he loved her. Besides, he feels guilty about her death in a car accident, which happened soon after she gave him a holiday gift. He has to face those bad memories in order to heal.

He and his friends soon will go to college, he helps Sam to study, and get better grades in order to pass the admission test. Patrick and Sam gift him a suit and a writing machine, so he can become a writer, and write about them. Charlie hopes that someday they will be someone else parents, but for now, he enjoys hanging out with them, with the music of Bowie, and feeling infinite.

All of my previous selves still survive somewhere inside of me, and my previous adolescent would have loved The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Roger Ebert

if you are a misfit you are gonna recognize yourself in the film, maybe you can find reflections of your parties or friends. Yes, they were suffering and excluded, but they found their own strength to hold on and find joy, dream, and act in consequence. The critical response of the film had an approval rating of 85% based on 172 reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. The consensus reads: “The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a heartfelt and sincere adaptation that’s bolstered by strong lead performances”. The film was well received by critics, who praised Chbosky’s screenplay and direction, the performances of Lerman, Watson, and Miller, soundtrack, execution of its topics, and emotional weight. It has become a cult classic, especially among Zillennials, and helped define the “Tumblr era” in the early 2010s. However, as expected, it also has conservative detractors like Wilson:

The script is transparently fake at almost every moment, congratulating the gang on their non-conformity while soft-pedaling any aspect of adolescent behavior -drug use, sex, profanity- that might upset the American mainstream.

Jack Wilson

The film is a romanticization of the misfit urban tribes. Stephen Chbosky, the script author affirms that he incorporated fictional ideas and personal experiences, thinking of a difficult period in his life when he was experiencing an unpleasant breakup. Chbosky began writing the novel in the summer of 1996 while he was in college, and within ten weeks he completed the story. He rewrote it into two more drafts, concluding the published version in the summer of 1998. Charlie was loosely based on Chbosky himself, he included much of his own memories from the time he lived in Pittsburgh. The other characters were manifestations of people’s struggles and what they are passionate about. The characters of Sam and Patrick are an “amalgamate and celebration” of several people Chbosky has met; Sam was based on girls who confided in him, and Patrick was “all the kids I knew who were gay and finding their way to their own identity.”

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is an American coming-of-age, romantic drama film, released in 2012. It is based on the 1999 novel of the same name. Starring Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, and Ezra Miller, and is directed by the author of the screenplay and novel, Stephen Chbosky.

Freedom

I would like to talk about another concept: “The Hierarchy of souls who have achieved freedom.” Let’s remember we are a soul, our higher soul, not just the incarnated soul, the mind, emotions, or body. We are a spiritual being, a higher soul, living a human experience in order to achieve freedom. What does signify the achieving of that liberty which will release us from the three worlds of human endeavor and make us free citizens of the Kingdom of God? This is the achieved success of the soul to move and act and manifest with freedom in the three worlds, as well as on its own high plane.

They focus on themselves both the hatred and the love of the world; they work as the Builders or as the Destroyers, and they return eventually to their own place, carrying with them the spoils of victory in the shape of the freedom which they have won for themselves or for others. They bear the scars, psychologically speaking, which have been given to them by opposing workers, and they bear also the assurance that they have carried forward the task to which they have been assigned and which they have successfully undertaken.

Alice A. Bailey. (1942) Esoteric Psychology Volume II.

The incarnated soul, the Ego, has to learn to function effectively in the world of human living, and there to carry toward spiritual alignment. We can see the peculiar problem, the incarnated soul has free will, and the task to align at the same time, the soul must find the middle way. We can see how many persons forget their spiritual connection and mission and get lost in human discord. But we also can witness sweet creatures, who evoke an enlighted and evolutionary response in the human consciousness and are in a position to prepare the way for the coming of the Lord. Those sweet fools and quixotes have a ministry: cultivate a certain level of spiritual culture in humanity. Sometimes they are dimly conscious of this stupendous task, of their qualifying destiny. They are souls under the guidance of the Hierarchy of souls who have achieved freedom, spiritual masters, guides, and beings. Prior to incarnation, they are conscious of the impulse to “go to Earth and help the sorrowing planet and thus release the prisoners held in durance hard by low desire”. Even when the soul forgets its spiritual power when the garment of flesh has been assumed, nevertheless, the work proceeds.

Metacognition and Tool Box

Developing intrapersonal and interpersonal intelligence, along with metacognition abilities, is crucial for achieving a better sense of well-being. Intrapersonal intelligence allows us to understand ourselves, our emotions, and our thought processes, leading to improved self-awareness and emotional literacy. This self-awareness helps us navigate through life’s challenges and make decisions that align with our values and goals. On the other hand, interpersonal intelligence and effective communication skills enable us to form meaningful connections with others, fostering a supportive social network and enhancing our overall emotional and mental well-being. Metacognition, the ability to think about our thinking processes, empowers us to identify and challenge negative thought patterns, promoting emotional regulation and resilience.

Integrity plays a vital role in our pursuit of happiness, as living with honesty and authenticity not only fosters self-acceptance but also enables genuine and fulfilling relationships with others. Only by being true to ourselves and having a deep understanding of our inner world can we cultivate a strong foundation for happiness and holistic well-being.

Metacognition

We should develop awareness and understanding of one’s own thought processes.

Yes, you need emotional literacy, emotional alfabetization, in order to connect with, accept, and even love yourself. Also, try to learn about critical thinking and ideologies in social psychology, such as the hidden curriculum concept and so on. When you can name “stuff” you are less prone to fall into despair and emotional madness because now you have words to describe and understand what is going on.

Then, recognize the difference between a normal cognitive process (to think about some stuff), and a metacognitive process (to think about the thinking about that stuff). Learn to name the theories and the concepts that map the forces at play. This will give mind clarity, you will find a way out of being overwhelmed by negative memories, triggers, and trauma, you will be able to address rationally and objectively the process you are involved in, and that clarity will give you a sense of confidence. You are not the map, don’t identify, be the observer, detach, be higher than the everyday issues.

Intrapersonal tools

Cultivate your Intrapersonal intelligence; the ability to understand oneself and one’s emotions and mind. Here you will find a selection of some articles that could give you a start:

Affirmations for Self-Affirmation
The Story of The Four Candles
Somatic Flashbacks
Heal Trauma Triggers
Affirmations for Self-approval of Perfectionism and Insecurity
ADHD Vocabulary & Resources
Twin Hearts Meditation; a gift from Master Choa Kok Sui
Psychic Self-Defense; Self-Healing
I hope there are days when you fall in love
Meditations for Healing Trauma by Wolfgang Arndt
Robin Sharma invites you to Become the Hero of your Life
Fortress Tutorial 1: New Maps, New Solutions by Richard Grannon

Interpersonal tools

Cultivate your interpersonal intelligence and communication skills. Work on improving your communication with others. Practice the exchange of messages, ideas, and information between individuals. This can take many forms, including face-to-face conversations, phone calls, emails, and video conferences. Here you will find a selection of some articles that could give you a start:

Conceptual Manifesto for Creative Solidarity
Meditation to heal betrayal

Related links

• To Heal Toxic Femininity
• Mamma mia! Comments on Frida Guzmán and the Prozac Nation Movie
• Scapegoat: Your Family Dislikes You
• Read «XIX. Solar Sphinx»; book about Sexual Pleasure and Trauma

Conclusion

The interconnected concepts of misfits, belonging or not belonging, the hidden curriculum, progressive forces on social psychology, freedom, metacognition, and intrapersonal and interpersonal communication, highlight the multifaceted nature of personal, social, and spiritual development. These concepts invite us to reflect on the complexity of human experience and the potential for growth and understanding. As we navigate these themes in our lives, let us strive to engage with empathy, open-mindedness, and a commitment to continual learning and spiritual revelation. Thank you for taking the time to read this article, we hope you found it insightful.

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