The Impact of Toxic Narcissistic Mothers

@raalkivictorieux, Master Ra’al Ki Victorieux

Understanding the impact of toxic narcissistic #mothers on their daughters. Break free, seek help, and love yourself. #selfcare #mentalhealth https://wp.me/p3JLEZ-4Oh

In the intricate bond between mothers and daughters, the repercussions of a narcissistic maternal influence can be profound. Understanding the complex dynamics and the detrimental effects of such relationships is crucial for breaking free, seeking help, and fostering self-love. This article delves into the characteristics of toxic mothers, the potential consequences for their daughters, and the path to healing and self-acceptance in the face of this challenging reality.

The Impact of Toxic Narcissistic Mothers. Raal Ki Victorieux. Atma Unum — *The Impact of Toxic Narcissistic Mothers. Ra’al Ki Victorieux. Atma Unum*

Who is a mother?

To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.

A woman in relation to her child or children. A biological mother, or a stepmother, a female parent, who gives birth or who parents, mothers her children. In archaic times, they called “mother” to the elderly women, or to an important female figure in the origin and early history of something, as in “the mother of performance art”. Also, the noun can denote an institution or organization from which more recently founded institutions of the same type deliver, as in “the mother church”. As a verb, to mother means to give birth to, and/or to bring up a child with care and affection. When that is not the case, we say “-She didn’t know how to mother”.

What happens when a mother doesn’t “mother” her daughter?

Mother’s Day is not a day to “celebrate” abusive, selfish, and evil mothers.

What if “she didn’t know how to mother”? Sometimes we find difficult relationships between mothers and daughters. There are mothers who in the privacy of their hearts harbor problems around aspects of their daughter’s flourishing. At some level, they do not want them to thrive. Maybe it is a subconscious mechanism to block the blossoming of their heir, because they themselves were not wholly and properly honored, because they were forced to occupy a demeaningly circumscribed space in the world and were not thoughtfully witnessed for who they really were.

Toxic Narcissistic Mothers

Mother’s Day makes me sad because it reminds me of years of neglect.

If you are a daughter or a toxic mother, you will relate to narcissistic mothers and stepmothers in tales and movies such as:

Snow White (1937)
Cinderella
Tangled (2010)
Mommie Dearest (1981)
Black Swan (2010)
Dumpling
Matilda (1996)
Lolita (1997)

Please don’t interrupt me while I’m ignoring you.
Toxic mom

Narcissistic mothers take a toll on their children, especially on their daughters. It’s a cycle of abuse that continues for many generations, with the narcissist’s children exhibiting the same toxic behaviors of their mothers while adding a few new ones of their own. It continues until someone recognizes and acknowledges the abuse and decides it will stop with them. With therapeutic help, the abused daughter can realize that she is not to blame and that she is only one more branch on a disordered personality family tree.

That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did
You deserved it.
Narcissist’s Mother Prayer

You can do the exercise of watching these films, considering the behavior of the mother. Is that healthy or sick? Does she act as if she loves her daughter? Can we witness a competition for attention? Emotional neglect? Or even direct aggression and violence against the heir?

Unconscious abuse?

Keep calm, it’s not your fault. It’s your mom.

The narcissist mothers think, consciously, that they would never do anything to harm their daughters, meanwhile, they do it. These women cannot countenance that a daughter of theirs might live happily, with love, success, and without friction, or suffering. So, they provide an incessant background of scratchiness, upbraiding, moralizing, and fault-finding.

Toxic mothers demand respect and become furious when they feel they aren’t getting it. What they don’t get is that they are not entitled to something they haven’t earned. A toxic mother views the child as an object, as a pawn to use to get what she wants. The child can be a trophy if makes the mother feel like the winner. The mom makes decisions for the child, not questioning or having in mind the kid’s rights. She never admits mistakes (the others are always wrong or crazy). She wants to be in control of everything and ends up controlling the child’s life and creating another narcissistic person (a mini-me), or a person of low self-esteem. Some of the negative manifestations of a narcissistic mother can be:

They lack the empathy necessary for mothering
Unreliable, distorts facts to suit their own agenda
Self-absorbed to the point of grandiosity, superior attitude
Lives in a fantasy world of dreams
Need to control, manipulate, over, and/or covertly
Put-downs, hurting, harsh criticism
Inflexible
She provokes people and then blames them for the fight
Jealous of their daughters, they see them as a threat
In the face of their children’s success, they deny, ignore it, or take all the credit for it
Acts different in public and private
Irresponsible with money
Possessively close, threatened by children growing independence
Lack of boundaries.
Only emotionally available when they want something
Dependency
Gaslighting
Lying
Can’t admit mistakes
Guilt tripping, blaming others for failures
Projection
Retaliation
Punishments
Passive-aggressive behavior, as a silent treatment for: Punish. Control. Invalidate. Avoid issues. Test boundaries.
Emotionally absent, neglecting
Alienation of the child from part of his biological family (as demeaning, erasing a part of the child). Teaching a child to unnecessarily ignore or hate his biology without a cause, prevents the child from being his whole self.

A lot of parents will do anything for their kids except let them be themselves.
Bansky

The Cycle of Abuse with a parent or a partner from the narcissistic spectrum usually goes through these stages:

Tensions Building
Incident
Reconciliation
Calm

The Cycle of Anger is very similar:

Normal/ Adaptive
Trigger
Escalation
Crisis
Recovery
Depression

You’ll never amount to anything. You’re nothing without me.
The narcissistic mother

Here’s to the women whose mothers broke their hearts before anybody could. The scapegoat daughter is used to being ignored or abused. When you are ignored by a person whose attention means the most to you, the reaction in your brain will be similar to physical pain. The damage in their daughters usually is manifested as:

Low self-esteem
Lack of emotional well-being
Frustration
Burn-out
Developmental Arrest

It’s not fair!! I know I did horrible things to you. But why do you have to talk about it? Can’t you suffer in silence? You’re so mean!
Toxic mother

In troubled families, abuse and neglect are permitted; it’s talking about them that is forbidden. The child could manifest symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome when you love the person who hurts you.

Just because I’m your mom, doesn’t mean I have to care about you. My feelings are more important than yours.
Narcissist mom

It is very common for a child with a narcissistic mother to hide their accomplishments from their parent. This is due to the fear of criticism, or having all the credit for the accomplishment taken away from them. This is very painful for the child and stifles the child’s growth.

In healthy families, parents encourage children to be loving and close to their brothers or sisters. In narcissistic families, children are pitted against each other and taught competition. There is a constant comparison of who is doing better and who is not. Some children are favored or seen as the golden child (usually the son) and others become the scapegoat (mainly the daughter) for the mother projected negative feelings. Siblings in narcissistic families rarely grow up feeling emotionally connected to each other.

Total acceptance

Yes, you can survive a narcissistic monster, I mean, mother.

Recovery goes through acceptance: your mother may not want the best for you. You must recognise that even if you were targeted, it is not because there is something wrong with you, but because there are so many things right with you.

That is not your fault. And you should not care about why? Maybe because an unmerciful world failed to want entirely the best for her? Because she is a stepmom and not a real mother? Perhaps she had a bad day, during all your formative years? Because she chose suffering, and blackmail to gain attention as a way of life?

The daughter of a narcissistic mother is very special… She is a survivor.

To mother, to take care of a child in a generous and proper way is something not all mothers can do. How happy one needs to be, how brave, to allow a child to be happier than one has been, to allow them, to help them, to have a better life?

You’ve always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.
The Wizard of Oz

Maybe you will never know all the answers, but you have all the right to be free from any abusive relationship, and the blame, minimizing, and other dirty feelings associated with it. Be kind to yourself. Seek professional help, be patient, and break free from the shared fantasy that the narcissistic mother projected in you. Don’t hope or wait for the toxic mother to be a loving one. You know she will be more worried about you telling a therapist how she is a bad mother, than the possibility of you being clinically depressed.

You can spend a lifetime trying to forget a few minutes of your childhood.

You will have to reparent your inner child, to learn to act as a loving parent for yourself. See you as a person, with the right to be seen, and loved. Take care of your needs, listen to your dreams, feelings, and emotions, to your sensations. minimize your losses. Keep in mind your rights. Learn to set boundaries, to say no without feeling guilty. Practice self-forgiveness and tolerance. Admit your mistakes, and be humble while practicing self-correction. Respect yourself. Be fair with yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself, very very much.

Conclusion

In the midst of the profound impact of toxic narcissistic mothers, scapegoated women can find hope and healing. Through nurturing the inner child, embracing faith, and practicing meditation on the love of our heavenly mother Mary, recovery and transformation become attainable. While the scars run deep, the journey towards healing and self-acceptance is absolutely possible.

Further reading:

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